When I first accepted Jesus into my heart, before I
really even understood that God can and does clearly speak to us all, He called
me to lay down a few things for a time in order to get to know Him better. The
two things in particular that He really spoke to me about were romantic
relationships and alcohol. For a while I rebelled against this calling, and the
consequences I faced were not fun. God never stops pursuing us, and just as a
quick side lesson, it is always better to obey right away, than to test Him,
see the disastrous results, and then finally come around with a whole lot of
extra baggage trailing behind you. A little over a year ago, after two
unhealthy relationships, and yet another gut-wrenchingly awful drunken
night, I finally got it, and promised God a year with no drinking or dating.
I made this promise right before I did a
Discipleship Training School, or DTS, (which you can read all about here
https://flowerchildministries.wordpress.com/ywam/ywam-adventures/)
and that part of the year was definitely the easier period of time. Before you
start a DTS, you sign an agreement saying you won't drink any alcohol or start
any romantic relationships for the duration of the program. So for five months
I was learning about God every day, my schedule was all kinds of busy with
serving and loving other people in the name of Jesus, and I had a whole team
right alongside me, in the exact same boat, if ever I needed support.
The second part of the year was a bit more
challenging. I moved back to San Diego after living elsewhere for twelve years.
I went from the biggest spiritual high of my life, to a total desert period.
Starting out with no friends, no job, and no deep connections at a new church,
the easiest option for me would have been to do what I've always done: get a
boyfriend for companionship and comfort, and try to fill my emotional void with
drinking and partying. But if I can only keep my faith when I am 'feeling' God,
then I don't have any true faith at all. We need those times of trial to really
see whether or not it is God who we rely on. (Lamentations 3:40 and Psalm 139:23-24)
I am so grateful for how God set-up the year
because its layout ensured that I learned as much as possible. The first part
of the year built up my trust in Him. I learned what it means to really have
Christ as my foundation. Then the second part of my year showed me what it looks
like to have my faith tested. That foundation in Christ, and relying on Him, is
the only thing that got me to stick to those promises during the trials.
There were definitely plenty of times when I felt
seriously tempted. I had a few times of crossing over that line between
sobriety and drunkenness while trying to figure out what it looks like to just
enjoy alcohol in moderation. It was hard, I had my slip ups, but above all I
really did learn so, so much. Here are seven things I learned during the past
year that I think are really worth sharing. No matter where you are at right
now, or what your journey looks like at this time, I think these are the sorts
of things we can all keep revisiting during many different stages of life.
1. Idolatry isn't just about worshipping golden
calves
I don’t know about you, but previously when I heard
the word idol, the first thing I thought of was a little statue, some material
object shaped like a man, animal, or mythical being. When I read the
commandment “you shall not make for yourself an idol… you shall not bow down to
them or worship them” (Genesis 20:4-5) it was just so easy to feel like that
didn’t really apply to me because I don’t live in a time or society that is
making and worshipping golden calves the way the Israelites did. But truly, we
have an over abundance of potential idols surrounding us today.
I have now learned that one commits idolatry
whenever they honor or revere something or someone in place of God; whether
this be other gods, or demons, power, pleasure, race, ancestors, the state,
money, celebrities, husbands, wives, careers, travel, beauty, yourself… the
list goes on. Whatever sits in your number one spot when it comes to things of
importance, whatever it is that you always turn to, whatever it is that you
desire above all else, that is your idol. That is what you have made your god. It
is human nature to want to worship and be driven by something, and if that
thing isn’t God, then you are committing idolatry.
Truly, I had such a serious problem with idolizing
romantic relationships and drinking. When I realized that love from a boyfriend
mattered more to me than love from God, and that I turned to drinking for
comfort instead of my Lord and Savior, I knew that I was idolizing those
things, and it was time for some serious reprioritizing.
2. Reliance + Expectations = Disappointment
I am sure many of you have heard that famous Bob
Marley quote: “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You
just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” So often though, I think our
times of feeling deeply hurt and let down come from the fact that we want to
rely on other people or other things, and we expect them to always be there for
us and to fulfill us. But we live in a fallen world, we are all only human, and are
bound to make mistakes. Removing that reliance and those expectations won’t
necessarily mean that you will never feel hurt ever again. Despite what you
feel though, you can choose to realize that since we are all different and none
of us are perfect, there are bound to be times when someone does something
against your desires. There are times you are going to do something against
plenty of other people’s desire too. Don’t take it personally, forgive as soon
as possible, and remember that no other person or other thing can ever fulfill
you. That may seem crazy hard, but do you know what makes this so much easier
to do? Relying on the only one who can and does completely fulfill you: God.
So many times in life when I have felt upset, let
down, disappointed, or abandoned, it has been because I was putting the weight
of my whole happiness on another person, in particular, a boyfriend - which is
completely unfair and unreasonable. Or, I was expecting a party or night out to
suddenly give me purpose, lift all my sorrows, and make me forget about any
problems I had - which just doesn’t even make any sense. But now that I know
God is the one who sees me through every kind of everything, I don’t have to
put that pressure on anyone or anything else. I still have times when I even don’t
want to trust Him, but then I remember that my Father in Heaven has said “for
my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways… for as the
heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my
thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9) Even though I have been hurt and
betrayed by people in the past, I can trust God. Human behavior is not a
reflection of His behavior. God is always good. He is always more than enough.
3. Receiving and believing in your authentic,
unadulterated identity is a necessary (and wonderful!) adventure
As a sort of extension from the previous lesson,
not only did I learn the importance of not fully relying on other people and
things, or expecting them to fulfill me, but I also learned that it is not
other people or other things that make up my identity. When you let God strip
away the distractions, the things you were using to cover up your true
identity, you end up seeing all the good, the bad, and the ugly going on inside
you. It is liberating, exciting, difficult, terrifying, but worth it. Ultimately,
our identity should be based on what God tells us about ourselves. While we are
all beautifully unique and different, there are a few truths that we can all be
sure of: We were created in God’s own image (Genesis 1:27), we are His children
(John 1:12), we are no longer slaves to sin (Romans 6:6), and God loves us so,
SO much (John 3:16/ the whole Bible). I actually have a whole blog post
dedicated to rambling about how precious God thinks every single person is, so
if later you would like to read more about accepting your true identity, follow this link: http://www.ramblingrf.blogspot.hk/2015/04/accepting-your-true-identity.html
4. BOUNDARIES! You need them. You deserve them. Keep
them!
I don’t think this one needs much explaining. I
know for me personally, I found it very hard to put up and keep boundaries when
it came to romantic relationships and alcohol because I felt that a) I wasn’t
worth having a say in the matter and b) I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else
because I feared they may abandon me. Obviously once you know that God is
enough and that your true identity is found in Him, it becomes easier to set up
boundaries based on the life He desires for you, and it becomes easier to keep
those boundaries. I know He calls me to act a certain way, and I know He says
that I am worth being treated a certain way, so rather than fearing human
beings, I am going to fear Him. I am going to do what pleases Him, not other
people. (Galatians 1:10)
5. Abruptly opening your cellar door doesn't cause
your house to have rats…
This is one of my favorite sayings to meditate on.
It comes from C.S. Lewis’s ‘Mere Christianity’ (great book, you should read
it!) where he writes: “We
begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; begin to
be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are. This may sound
rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case. When I come
to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out
of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or
snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately
springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was
caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an
extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously
be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand,
surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for
what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put
on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely
to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the
rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the
provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an
ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go
in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light.”
At the beginning of my
year of intentional singleness and sobriety, I remember thinking “I just have
problems with guys and alcohol, when those two things aren’t in the mix, I
really am just fine.” I give you permission to laugh at what I now realize is a
very naïve, ridiculous, and untrue thing to think. Once I laid those things
aside, I was able to see that I really do struggle with a lot of sinful anger.
I always had blamed that anger on boyfriends and alcohol, but they really
weren’t the cause of my anger, they just revealed that it was there in my
heart. Once I could no longer use those two things as an excuse, I had to come
to terms with the fact that I struggle with anger, and then I was able to
finally actually explore where that came from. After reading ‘The Emotionally
Healthy Woman’ by Geri Scazzero (another really great book that everyone should
read. Even if you think you are emotionally healthy and even if you are a man!)
I really began to tackle the problems I have with expressing myself, wanting to
control things, and engaging in healthy confrontation. If you are reading this
thinking, “wow, that really doesn’t sound like fun,” you are very correct. But
I know that letting God guide me through and past these things is well worth
the discomfort. I also know that God would have never been able to work on
these things with me had I continued to cover them up with excuses.
6. Deep and complete healing is only possible with
the Holy Spirit
I am not sure if I can really describe this one, I
think it would be better to just tell you a story to explain what I mean…
During my DTS lecture phase, one of our weeks was dedicated to learning about
the Holy Spirit. On our last night of ‘Holy Spirit Week’ we were going to have
a ‘Holy Spirit Party.’ I had heard stories from other students about how crazy
and fun and amazing this time with the Spirit would be, and I was all amped up
and excited. But then when we arrived to the night of the party, our lecturer
announced that He felt like God instead wanted to share with us all the deep,
emotional healing power of the Holy Spirit. The idea was that we would all just sit on the ground asking God to bring up anything we hadn’t yet
really recovered from, and then invite His Spirit to come in and take that harbored pain
away.
As other people around me started sobbing as they
prayed through their own stuff, I just sat there feeling disappointed. Then God
brought up a past relationship to me. And I was like “oh, that’s real awkward
God… not sure how you missed it… but he’s forgiven me, I’ve forgiven him, we
are all cool now, so that really isn’t something I need to address.” See, in my
mind, forgiveness meant you weren’t allowed to think about it anymore. If you
have forgiven someone, then you have let go of that hurt, you don’t feel it
anymore, right? God spoke to me and told me that I still hadn’t yet let myself
really grieve and feel the sense of loss that I felt deep down inside. He
let me know that it is ok to feel those things, it didn’t have to mean that my
forgiveness wasn’t real. He asked me to let myself feel those things, then give
that hurt to Him and allow His Spirit to do the healing necessary.
So that is exactly what I did. I joined the Holy
Spirit sobbing party that surrounded me. The peace and restoration I now feel
about that whole relationship is something I never would have imagined
possible. It isn’t an act, it isn’t something I have to keep trying to force
myself to feel, it now really truly is as though all that hurt and past has been
wiped clean, and a new, fresh friendship is possible. Previously, I never would
have thought it possible to look at someone I have so much history with and
just see one of my brothers in Christ, but all things are possible with God. (Matthew
19:26 and Mark 10:27)
7. Focusing on Jesus > Forcing yourself to
change
Up until this point, it probably has sounded like I
just had a year of telling myself to give things up, stop doing things, avoid,
don’t, no, no, no. But in actual fact, what really changed my heart and behavior
was adding something major into my life, actually the most important thing. I had tried in the past to give up sinful behavior
using just my own will power and telling myself not to do something because
those are the rules. That did not go great. This year was about so much more
than giving things up though. It was about focusing on God. About soaking in
the love that He has to offer, without any distractions, without any substitutes,
and developing a beautiful relationship with Him. When my focus is on Jesus,
on His love for me, on wanting to love Him in return, and then also wanting to love
others with that love, so many of my sinful desires just sort of naturally fall
away. It becomes no longer a matter of 'you can’t do that,' but rather, 'I don’t want to do
that.'
Really though, it is a daily choice, a lifetime
commitment. (Luke 9:23-25) When I am seeking God, all these lessons appear so clear in my mind. When I forget and just start my day without even
considering Him though, I so easily start thinking and doing all the wrong things
again. It comes down to waking up everyday and saying “God I choose You today.
I want Your heart. Please will You lead me.”
With this ramble, I'm not saying that every person
needs to dedicate an outlined period of time to giving up what I gave up in
order to really get to know God. I'm also not saying that romantic
relationships and alcohol are bad. When done right, romantic relationships can
be like a little glimpse of heaven, a little glimpse of God’s intended perfect love,
sacrifice, and submission between Christ and the Church. That's why it is so
worth knowing what a right relationship looks like! And I'm a bartender, so
obviously I don't condemn drinking. I definitely think there is a way for
people to enjoy alcohol in a responsible way. Each of us has our own unique
path ahead. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. These are just two things
in my own personal life that God wanted me to lay aside for a season so that I
could learn some important and specific things about wonderful Him and about myself.
I most certainly still have so much to learn. God
has been so good in teaching me with such patience, care, and love though. So
often, when we let go of one thing and overcome it, we suddenly see that it was
hiding something else that is also a hindrance to us living the life He truly
desires for us. It’s ok. Just take it a step at a time, and know that He has
already brought you so, so far, and He has already overcome the world. Even if it seems like it is still such a long
way to go, that is ok. You have the best God, King, Father, Counselor, and
Guide imaginable leading you along. Today I invite everyone to pause and ask
God if there is anything getting in the way of the amazing growth He has for
you. Listen to what He has to say. Obey. Trust. Proceed forward. Go towards His
will. It is definitely worth it.
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